i had always thought of myself as someone born to be devoted to another. I was a child full of longing and despair. One who always fantasised becoming someone’s bride. Because i thought someone was coming to save me.
Over time, i found a way to express myself through art, and along this journey, i learned to devote myself to life, to beauty and slowly, found a way back to my own heart. I realised that the only person who can save me is myself.
I turned 32 this month and this past year, i’ve been reflecting on what self-devotion looks like and what it means to ‘love myself’. My approach was very objective; i would pay attention to the way i move through life, trying to notice my actions that would prove that i do, in fact, love myself. Here are a few things i noted down:
-accepting that fluidity is closer to truth than permanence. I don’t know who or what i am, i never will and that is perfectly ok with me
-celebrating my soft heart and protecting the child in me who still seeks wonder, play and tenderness
-balancing my masculine and feminine energies. i used to think of myself as the moon and my past lovers as the sun but now, i want to be both. My first tattoo was the sun and the moon embracing
-prioritising internal alignment over external validation; as an artist sharing my work online, i have to remind myself, every day, to choose embodiment over performance
-learning that i will never be good enough for everyone. Even the future-me may not be 100% proud of the things i’m doing and saying today but that shouldn’t make me live in doubt or hold myself back from singing my song
-asking myself if something is honest instead of asking if it is good enough. How something feels > how it looks
-going for the things i desire without shame or guilt. I am unlearning the lie that desire = sin
-creating and offering choices to myself - saying no because i can. So much of who i am is who i am not
-learning that silence also carries an answer. It has helped me let go and walk away from so many things that were never meant for me
-being present in my body and opening myself to pleasure - giving myself permission to explore things, without needing them to mean anything
-constantly checking if im moving closer to or away from the vision that i have for my life. Returning to myself, when i feel off-track and showing myself grace in moments of weakness
youre spelling me out! yes! 😮💨and taking it a step further “we tell ourselves it’s natural to crave love. and yes, it is. but what’s unnatural is outsourcing the entirety of our worth. it exposed how much of my “self-love” was borrowed” beginning my journey from liking being alone to falling in love with my solitude. it gives me hope, at least. and there are so many of us <3